Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Satire: The American Beatitudes

This biting piece of satire is written by David D. Flowers, a satirist and writer from The Woodlands, Texas. I've posted satire from him before. He has one based upon Romans 13 that is worthy of reading, too. His satire has been published in The Wittenburg Door and Christian Ethics Today. This work is based upon the Beatitudes of the Sermon on the Mount, found in Matthew 5:1-16. Like all satire, this one hurts, offends, and might just make you angry. In the words of a preacher I know, prepare to say "Ouch," if you can't say "Amen."

The American Beatitudes (From the Sermon on the Hill)
Matthew 5:1-16
by David D. Flowers, Satirist/Writer

1 One day as he saw the politicians gathering, Jesus went up the steps of the capital and stood behind a podium with The Statue of Freedom looming overhead. The Senate gathered around him, 2 and he began to address them.

3 "Blessed are those who have a military-industrial complex and realize their need to secure their economic interests in the Middle East, for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.
4 Blessed are those who are hedonistic, for they will be satisfied.
5 Blessed are those who are proud and arrogant, for they shall rape and pillage the whole earth.
6 Blessed are those who lust for power and prosperity and call it "justice," for they will have comforts.
7 Blessed are those who show no mercy, for they will never be in need of it anyway.
8 Blessed are those whose hearts are peacefully wicked, for they shall be gods.
9 Blessed are those who kill for peace, for they will be called the "good" children of God.
10 Blessed are the persecutors of evil men (those who threaten the Pax Americana), for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.
11 Blessed are you when people burn your precious flag and curse you because you destroyed their homes and killed their loved ones. These evildoers simply have not understood the power and salvation of redemptive violence. My followers must understand, when we talk about war... we are really talking about peace.
12 Be happy when people curse you for this! Be very glad! For great is your reward on earth. And remember, every empire before you was cursed for the same things.
13 You and you alone are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has been corrupted by dirty Mexicans from the South and cave-dwelling Muslims from the east? They should be shot like the Indians and dumped in the sea like slaves. They are worthless! This is your manifest destiny!
14 You and you alone are the light of the world--an idolatrous city on a hilltop cannot be hidden.
15 No one buys alcohol and gets drunk alone. Instead they share their maddening wine with everyone in the world until everyone has had their fill!
16 In the same way, let your American ways spew out for all to taste, so that everyone will embrace carnal living and let freedom ring!"


Steve said...

A most inventive writer. Didn't some thinker say that satire, like salt, is best in small amounts?

Oh, to be young again, and have such a beautiful political chip on my shoulder! I kept mine just long enough to enjoy the denoument of Nixon in '74. I actually was looking for it again recently but the NY Gov traded it for kisses so I'm stuck being a Constitutionalist or something....

Emily Hunter McGowin said...

Touche, Steve.

Strider said...

Subtle, very subtle. It reminds me of that old Eric Liddle quote from Chariots of Fire:

God made me witty and when I am sarcastic I feel His pleasure.

Or was it something about running?
I forget exactly.

Strider said...

By the way, I was a huge fan of the old Wittenburg Door. When it became just 'The Door' and started using shiny paper I lost interest.

Steve said...

This Flowers is really funny. I wonder how much time his siblings/girlfriends/SO spent just trying to get him to hush.
He actually reminds me of Bill Buckley, although coming from the other political direction.

CB Scott said...

Enjoy your freedom while you have it.


David D. Flowers said...

I appreciate you posting my work. It's good to see that satire is still useful for some.
I encourage all your readers to check me out at:
www.myspace.com/daviddflowers or http://daviddflowers.blogspot.com

Enjoying Freedom in Christ!
David D. Flowers

Lory Hunt said...

wow. how true that is. the more i read scripture, the more i find myself caught up in idolatry. thanks em.