Tuesday, August 7, 2007

I Lose Again

I have a number of posts I would like to write, but I can't seem to get away from some personal struggles Ronnie and I are facing. There are a lot of things going on in our church that are not fun. We've lost a few beloved staff members and it seems like an overwhelming sense of sadness hovers over our fellowship. I'm not sure what my role is in all this, but I know that for now, I mourn with my brothers and sisters.

In this midst of all this, cannot help but recall the lyrics to a song by musician, singer, songwriter, and worship pastor, Ross King, whose music has provided an inspiring soundtrack for our lives over the past four to five years. The following song comforted me during the death of my mother-in-law and brought me to a point of brokenness and surrender. I hope it ministers to you today.

I Lose Again
You ruined me;
You took away my dreams;
You did exactly what I wasn't hoping for.
You changed the end--
Now I'm confused about the means;
You make me feel as if my prayers have been ignored.

I'm falling up this mountain--
I'm rising down to freedom.

This is not how
I would have chosen it to end.
It makes it hard to see you as a friend.
But where would we be now,
if you had let me win?
Hallelujah, I lose again.

You got your way.
It must be nice
to never have to choose your battles,
knowing you can always win.
I tried to fight.
I'm so pathetic,
I thought I was standing strong,
when I was kneeling to my sin.

You sure don't make this easy--
You break my will to free me.

This is not how
I would have chosen it to end.
It makes it hard to see you as a friend.
But where would we be now,
if you had let me win?
Hallelujah, I lose again.

In everything you do,
There is less of me,
There is more of you.
In everything you do,
There is death to lies
by the sword of truth.

But I'm not always ready,
I'm not always ready,
I'm not always ready,
For what you put me through.

This is not how
I would have chosen it to end.
It makes it hard to see you as a friend.
But where would we be now,
if you had let me win?
Hallelujah, I lose again.

(c) Ross King

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

We had some friends leave our old church after some staff changes about 10-15 years ago. These were the friends we had the most shared interests with, the kind you don't replace easily - especially in a small church.

I kept telling myself it was the same building and the same membership that I had known growing up, that had known my mother and my uncles.

I simply couldn't get over the sense of going back into an empty barn, however, like it was a house I no longer lived in.

As we ended up leaving that church after yet another staff turnover, I went through the Emauus Walk experience, and between that and the larger church we ended up in for keeps, I don't think I'll ever feel that loss again.

Steve Austin

MightyFowl said...

Emily: Poignant.

This brings Romans 8:26 to mind, and points out that I don't really know what winning will be, so I have to depend on God to tell me when I've won. Which He does when He points out that HE won.

brutiful said...

Emily-
I am praying for you in these struggles and must say I have never heard of that song before. It has some very deep lyrics. What does it tell us about God and who he is? Too often, my image of God is one of friend, giver, lover and comforting (which he is), but what about when he chooses to bruise us, wound us and break us? I think of losing my life for Christ sake every time somebody says "Loser!" That is what I want to be but like you, I confess my heart is not always ready. I know you better from your transparency, my sister.
Grace and peace,
Laura

Dori said...

Emily -

thanks

Emily Hunter McGowin said...

Perhaps the title of that song should be:

I lose again...and again, and again, and again, and again...

:)

Grace and peace to all who understand our pain,

Emily

Paul Kullman said...

Emily:
Good song.
Ross lives across town from me. I used his studio to produce my daughter's first CD. He is indeed gifted as a worship leader.
Prayers for you as your church goes through what we all have experienced many times over.

My Deliver is coming!
Paul Kullman